For the past few months, reports of suspicious behavior have come in concerning BYU’s (in)famous mascot Cosmo. Many parents have sent complaints to the university, accusing him of accosting their young children on their way home from school and offering them cougar tails if they’ll “get in the van.” Residents of Orem have also spotted him dumping trash from the Cosmobile while yelling obscenities at … Continue reading Cosmobile Paint Washes off in Quick Quack Car Wash, Reveals Cosmo Has Been Living in Creepy White Van This Whole Time

Members of the Provo 255th ward were shocked today when Parker Schmidt was sustained as a Munch and Mingle committee member, making him the 47th person to join said committee since August. It is unclear to members at this point why there are so many members being called to munch and mingle, especially since the 255th wards last meal consisted of Oreos and a single … Continue reading 47th Munch and Mingle Committee Member Called, Beating Church Record

In an unexpected press conference this morning, BYU administrators acknowledged that all missions are NOT created equal. In order to ease the worries of students having a difficult time knowing their place when it comes to discussing missions on campus, BYU released this definitive list ranking the three tiers of missions: Plebeian Tier- These missions are not something to write home about. In fact, if … Continue reading BYU Releases Mission Prestige Rankings

BYU attracts students from all over, even from outside of the Beehive State. These students arrive with exotic stories and misguided beliefs from beyond the mountains. As Brigham Young University seeks to educate these disadvantaged refugees from Babylon, The Alternate Universe decided to record some of their horror stories about life outside the safety of Zion, as an ongoing effort to reinstate the Perpetual Emigration … Continue reading Life in Babylon: Out-of-State Survivors Tell All