Summer is just around the corner! Or how we like to say it: it’s almost Lake Powell season! Have you ever questioned your validity as a human being because you haven’t been invited? Are you starting to think this place is just made up by hot people on Instagram to intimidate the world? Don’t worry. We asked the hottest people with houseboats what qualifies an invite. Here are some reasons you might not be going to Lake Powell this summer and what you can do to fix it!
1. Your personality is meh…
And here you were probably thinking it had everything to do with looks. Wrong! Maybe you’re just a boring nerd. Well too bad nerd, not everyone wants to explore Middle-earth with Harry Potter or win a Star War. Try developing some new personalities and quirks like “genetically fit” or “inherently rich!”
2. You’re probably just kind of ugly…
Alright fine, we got to #2 before we realized maybe it does have everything to do with looks. But calm down uggo! If you’re not an uncomfortably tan white person or don’t have a VASA membership- maybe start there. At the end of the day, Lake Powell requires beautiful people to consistently attend so it can maintain its own beauty. It’s basic science and if you disagree, you’re lame. Maybe Bear Lake is just more up your alley.
3. Your Instagram feed is trash.
Let’s be honest, this isn’t a place for any actual lake-related activities. It’s a photo-op. So if your insta is lacking, at least have the common courtesy to already be tanned up and know how to pose in your Janela Bay swimsuit for other people’s photos. And beware: according to section four of Public Law 114–196 under Utah State Park Amendments, you legally cannot be tagged on social media if you have under 1,000 followers. But maybe you can take the group pictures!
4. You’re not willing to terminate all semblance of shame.
Sometimes asking to be invited works- subtle or not. It can be awkward, but if you prepare now, maybe a Lake Powell invitation will be easily secured by summer. Buy that VASA membership and start talking to the biggest guys in the smallest tank tops there. Try lurking around entrepreneurship classes in the Tanner Building. Casually mention your new boat shoes in a conversation. It’s not that difficult honestly- most people politely keep their boats in their driveway. Just cruise around the wealthiest neighborhood to find potential subjects. Stalking, harassment, and methods of manipulation are not required, but are strongly suggested depending on how unattractive and poor you are.
5. There’s just not enough room on the boat!
It’s possible you’ve gotten this excuse before. And you might get it again. I guess your family doesn’t own their own boat? Or you don’t know anyone else with a boat who can take you? Huh. Weird. Oh well, just know they probably really want you to come! Good thing it’s nothing personal…right? Unless, we don’t know…maybe if you worked on some of the points listed above, things could be different? Try not to overthink it. You can always catch up on what you missed from social media- it will be like you’re virtually there! Happy scrolling!