About a month ago, the Church made an announcement to take D&C 89:12-13 more seriously. “Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly. And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.” 

Someone who is associated with BYU, however, has not committed to seasonal summer vegetarianism. 

Cosmo the Cougar, beloved of all BYU students and alumni, has been spotted on numerous occasions tearing into a burger. Many are abashed. As the figurehead of this great institution, Cosmo must set forth an impeccable example for the whole world to see. BYU should not be known as a violent, blood-sucking, earth-killing organization. Cosmo needs to stop.

However horrible Cosmo’s crimes may be, some people are still supporting him. We overheard Spencer Byron, a Cosmo supporter, saying, “Cougars eat meat. They have to.”

His girlfriend, Ruthie Wilson, said in response, “It’s a guy in a costume.”

“No, he’s a cougar.”

“Cosmo is ficti—“

“HE IS REAL TO ME.”

Whether or not Cosmo is a real cougar, he must stop eating meat immediately and start repenting of his sins. The earth is dying, and Cosmo is solely to blame. 

Disclaimer: The writer of this article is, indeed, a seasonal summer vegetarian. There is no hypocrisy here.