Category: Featured

Featured, General Conference, News

Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

On the morning of April 6, 2024, at precisely 10:31 AM, brother Jared B. Larsen gave the audit report at the Saturday morning session of General Conference. Unbeknownst to  higher-ups, however, his report contained the secret to eternal life, coded in the language of boring financial jargon. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Russell M. Nelson, watching from home, said. “It’s lowkey clutch I … Continue reading Secret to Eternal Life Stated Clearly in Church Audit Report You Ignored

Kit KittredgeLeave a comment
Featured, News, Sports

Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

History was made in Omaha on Thursday as a BYU basketball player declared that he would lead the university to paradise and a National Championship before their first March Madness game. “No one in this room can stand against me,” declared point guard Dallin Hall as he took center court before Thursday’s game. “Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment.” Mark Pope, … Continue reading Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

Paul Atreides
Campus, Featured

Cosmo Cougar Gets Brazilian Butt Lift

BYU’s beloved mascot, Cosmo, has gotten a little cheekier.  The acrobatic cat recently underwent a procedure to add some extra size to his hindquarters and has become, for lack of a better term, “dummy thicc.” While rumors about the change spread at first, Cosmo’s most recent public appearance put those myths to rest.  When asked about the new changes, students have reacted differently. Freshman Jaykob … Continue reading Cosmo Cougar Gets Brazilian Butt Lift

Paul Hollywood
Featured

General Stabbed on the Ides of March as Helaman-Heritage War Drags On

As Heritage and Helaman Halls continue to take up arms against each other for some reason that nobody actually remembers, Army of Helaman General Audrey Thibaughlt has displayed extreme prowess as a strategist. But no hero is without flaw. Her ambition had become apparent to her officers, and they seized the opportunity to put an end to it. Thibaughlt was stabbed ten times–once for each … Continue reading General Stabbed on the Ides of March as Helaman-Heritage War Drags On

Don Cheadle
Campus, Featured

BYU Police Partners With Missionary Department to Place Tiwi Systems on Campus Scooters

In BYU’s latest efforts to monitor on-campus travel, leaders have decided to combine forces with the Missionary Department to install Tiwi systems (A GPS-enabled device that will allow authorities to monitor students’ driving activity) on scooters found on campus.  Says campus representative Jessica Robb, “I think campus scooter riders deserve both the embarrassment and the missionary PTSD for zooming around the Wilk like they’re in … Continue reading BYU Police Partners With Missionary Department to Place Tiwi Systems on Campus Scooters

Marceline Abadeer