Author: Montresor

News

Artemis II Astronauts Get Lost on Way Back From Moon; End Up at Kolob

In an unpredicted turn of events, instead of returning to Earth as planned, the crew of the Artemis II ended up at Kolob, the star-planet from Mormon cosmology. NASA reassured the public to “not worry” and that “they’ll be back in the twinkling of an eye.” We had the unique opportunity to get on a call with the lost crew and interview them about their … Continue reading Artemis II Astronauts Get Lost on Way Back From Moon; End Up at Kolob

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Sports

Cosmo Tryout Requirements LEAKED! See What You’d Have to Do to Get This Coveted Role

The criteria for assuming the role of BYU’s beloved mascot is no joke. Here’s what you would have to do, ranked from easiest to most difficult.   Disarm a Bomb Fight an Cougar and Win Talk to a Woman Treat a Ute Fan With Respect Make a Fursona Be Between 5’9” and 6’   It’s a challenging job to fill, but fill it BYU must. … Continue reading Cosmo Tryout Requirements LEAKED! See What You’d Have to Do to Get This Coveted Role

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Featured, General Conference

President Oaks to Announce Winners of Raffle Instead of Temples

Have you been telling your bishop the truth about your full tithing payments? Good news, you’ve been entered into a Church-wide raffle! Here’s what you might win.   Tour of the Church’s Nuclear Bunker One sip of coffee no consequences FastPass Line Access for Salt Lake Temple Open House All Expenses Paid Vacation to Adam-ondi-Ahman Meet and Greet with Patrick Kearon Early Access to New … Continue reading President Oaks to Announce Winners of Raffle Instead of Temples

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General Conference

Solemn Assembly To Be Conducted Through iClicker Software

Citing a need to adapt to the modern technologies of the day, the Church has recently announced that rather than conducting solemn assemblies through raising of the right hand, it will now be conducted with iClicker remotes. The cost of these remotes can be deducted from tithing   Will Taylor, a self-proclaimed “finance bro” wearing a sleeveless puffer jacket, had only this to say on … Continue reading Solemn Assembly To Be Conducted Through iClicker Software

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Church, Featured

Campus in Spiritual Crisis! Sacrament Meeting Absences Skyrocket Due to Daylight Savings

Sacrament Meeting absences rose sharply this past Sunday due to the “Spring Forward” effect of Daylight Savings. Thousands of students showed up to church just in time for the second hour, much to their consternation. The back rows of several wards were filled to the brim with people who would leave as soon as the first speaker stood up. Andrew Leavitt, a student with 5pm … Continue reading Campus in Spiritual Crisis! Sacrament Meeting Absences Skyrocket Due to Daylight Savings

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