Category: News

Featured, News

‘The Book of Mormon’ Musical to Update Production Due to Rapid Increase of Sister Missionaries

As the Tony-winning “The Book of Mormon’ musical passes its fifteenth anniversary, the creators of the show have announced updates to modernize it after being forced to reckon with the reality of women existing. “We saw that 70% of the missionaries going out are now women, so we saw the need to update our musical so that we can be more accurate in being offensive.” … Continue reading ‘The Book of Mormon’ Musical to Update Production Due to Rapid Increase of Sister Missionaries

Montresor3 Comments
Featured, News

Utah County Offers Bounty Money For Helping to Bring Down Invasive Population of FSY Kids

As temperatures rise, Utah County officials are preparing measures to control the invasive populations of FSY Kids that will soon erupt at the two universities in the county. “It just destroys the local food chain, the native college students find it extremely difficult to find uncrowded feeding areas,” says local expert Tracy Mulholland. Locals expressed excitement over the potential of easy money. Utah County is … Continue reading Utah County Offers Bounty Money For Helping to Bring Down Invasive Population of FSY Kids

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Dating, News

BYU to Build Brand New “Slut Asylum”

The rumors are true: BYU will be turning the Kimball basement into a slut asylum for all the impassioned boys and girls on campus. As journalists, we have made it our duty to answer your most pressing questions. How does one get into the Slut Asylum? -Kiss more than 3 people in your ward -Make out with someone for longer than 1 hour -Watch one … Continue reading BYU to Build Brand New “Slut Asylum”

Kim Possible1 Comment
Featured, News, Sports

HE’S COMING HOME: AJ Dybantsa Returns To BYU As Finance TA

In a shocking turn of events, AJ Dybantsa has forgone the NBA draft in favor of returning to BYU as a finance TA. Dybantsa posted the following on LinkedIn this morning: “My time at BYU is not done. NBA contracts might seem appealing, but I could make that money in a single summer selling pest control.” While many NBA fans mourn the decision, summer sales … Continue reading HE’S COMING HOME: AJ Dybantsa Returns To BYU As Finance TA

Frank Heffley1 Comment
General Conference, Life, News

Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

In a grotesque display of dishonesty and pride, local man Braxton Williams claimed over the pulpit during his testimony today to have watched every speaker in General Conference. During his testimony, which lasted 20 minutes, Braxton allegedly claimed, among other things, that he “enjoyed every single speaker last weekend,” a phrase which drew audible gasps from the congregation. “I knew he was lying when he … Continue reading Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

Chuck Bartowski1 Comment