The time has finally come for the mass exodus of missionaries to leave Provo and journey to their service to the Lord. This is an infamous time of testing for relationships. Here are some tips to keep your love alive during the separation. 1. Spiritually Manipulate Them Tell them you had revelation that the two of you are to be sealed for time and eternity … Continue reading How To Not Get Dear Johned/Janed on Your Mission
The rumors are true: BYU will be turning the Kimball basement into a slut asylum for all the impassioned boys and girls on campus. As journalists, we have made it our duty to answer your most pressing questions. How does one get into the Slut Asylum? -Kiss more than 3 people in your ward -Make out with someone for longer than 1 hour -Watch one … Continue reading BYU to Build Brand New “Slut Asylum”
In a beautiful display of consideration for the gay community at BYU, the HCO has updated the grooming standards to allow gay students to have a fake significant other of the opposite sex—otherwise known as a beard. “This whole time, I thought I wasn’t allowed to fake date my lesbian friend without a beard card,” said gay student John Gay. “I’m so glad we can … Continue reading BYU Clarifies Honor Code to Allow “Beards” for Gay Students
Holiday breaks are dangerous for college couples—especially when they’re as long as BYU’s spring day. This year’s spring holiday proved to be no different as thousands of couples broke off their relationships during the hours apart. Darby Johnson, a newly single student shared her experience: “My boyfriend of 3 months flew home for Spring Day, and I guess while he was there he decided he … Continue reading Spring Day Results in Thousands of Breakups
In this society, a man only has one choice: marry an 18-year-old girl during his first semester back from the mission, or join the manosphere. The choice is brutal, but the world is a dark place. No one knows this better than Benson Eubranks. When asked how he decided to take himself off the market, Eubranks replied, “To stay in a power position, I’ve decided … Continue reading Man Claims He is Off the Market Purely by Choice
