The rumors are true: BYU will be turning the Kimball basement into a slut asylum for all the impassioned boys and girls on campus. As journalists, we have made it our duty to answer your most pressing questions.

How does one get into the Slut Asylum?
-Kiss more than 3 people in your ward
-Make out with someone for longer than 1 hour
-Watch one of Sabrina Carpenter’s music videos on BYU wifi

How does one get out of the Slut Asylum?
-Get a vasectomy
-Write “I will not be horny” 1000 times on a piece of notebook paper
-Get a doctor’s note signed by President Reese

What is the Slut Asylum’s motto?
“Enter to yearn, go forth to swerve.”

Will the vending machines in the Slut Asylum carry those chicken craisin croissant sandwiches?
Of course. They might be strict, but they’re not monsters.

How will the Slut Asylum be managed?
All of the rejected BYU nursing program students will be required to work there for two shifts a week, and will be required to perform lobotomies and vasectomies.

“BYU is so inclusive. There is a place for everyone here, even the harlot whores,” shared Savannah Jomston, relieved.