Local man Jakob Kurtis was sick of eating chicken and rice every day just to have mid physique. Knowing that real change comes from hard work, and often great sacrifice, Jakob consumed 2,698 grams of lean protein by eating his girlfriend, Kayleigh. Jakob stated: “Kayleigh was great as a person, but she’s even better as a complete protein source. I’m honestly surprised more people aren’t … Continue reading Gym Bro Eats Girlfriend to Hit Protein Goal
From new hymns to tank top permission, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is on a mission to make church less boring. This week, the Church announced that instead of having a regular second-hour block, members will watch a series of 30-second Reels that go over the weekly Come Follow Me. President Dallin H. Oaks explained: “With the increase of dumb commentary and … Continue reading Breaking: Second Hour Church Meetings Will Now Be Condensed Into Short-Form Reels For Audience Retention
This week, Chappell Roan violently decapitated an 11 year old fan who looked at her in the Provo Marriott and Conference Center. Onlookers were shocked as they witnessed the scene. Staff member Kayleigh Ross recounted: “I’ve never seen someone move with such swiftness and accuracy. One moment the kid was walking past, the next she was on the ground–-or I guess only her … Continue reading Chappell Roan Beheads Young Fan While Visiting Provo
Holiday breaks are dangerous for college couples—especially when they’re as long as BYU’s spring day. This year’s spring holiday proved to be no different as thousands of couples broke off their relationships during the hours apart. Darby Johnson, a newly single student shared her experience: “My boyfriend of 3 months flew home for Spring Day, and I guess while he was there he decided he … Continue reading Spring Day Results in Thousands of Breakups
BYU is famous for having bad parking conditions for students. Every semester, students buy parking passes just to be unable to park anywhere close to their classes or work. It can be especially frustrating when students get all the way to their go-to parking lot just to see it completely blocked off by BYU Police–completely empty, yet completely inaccessible. What students may not know … Continue reading BYU Police Ropes off Miles of Parking for Invisible Guests
