Author: Marceline Abadeer

Uncategorized

BYU Outsources Ecclesiastical Endorsements to JKB Backrooms Entity

With the surge of Ecclesiastical Endorsements needing to be made before fall, bishops are overwhelmed with the amount of interviews they have to schedule. To ease the strain, BYU has updated the endorsement process so that students will interview with The Lifeform roaming the JKB Backrooms. Psychology major Maren Kyle described her interview experience: “Imagine describing an interview to someone who had never seen one … Continue reading BYU Outsources Ecclesiastical Endorsements to JKB Backrooms Entity

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Dating, missionary

How To Not Get Dear Johned/Janed on Your Mission

The time has finally come for the mass exodus of missionaries to leave Provo and journey to their service to the Lord. This is an infamous time of testing for relationships. Here are some tips to keep your love alive during the separation. 1. Spiritually Manipulate Them Tell them you had revelation that the two of you are to be sealed for time and eternity … Continue reading How To Not Get Dear Johned/Janed on Your Mission

Marceline Abadeer
Featured

Gym Bro Eats Girlfriend to Hit Protein Goal

Local man Jakob Kurtis was sick of eating chicken and rice every day just to have mid physique. Knowing that real change comes from hard work, and often great sacrifice, Jakob consumed 2,698 grams of lean protein by eating his girlfriend, Kayleigh. Jakob stated: “Kayleigh was great as a person, but she’s even better as a complete protein source. I’m honestly surprised more people aren’t … Continue reading Gym Bro Eats Girlfriend to Hit Protein Goal

Marceline Abadeer1 Comment
Church, Featured

Breaking: Second Hour Church Meetings Will Now Be Condensed Into Short-Form Reels For Audience Retention

From new hymns to tank top permission, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is on a mission to make church less boring. This week, the Church announced that instead of having a regular second-hour block, members will watch a series of 30-second Reels that go over the weekly Come Follow Me. President Dallin H. Oaks explained: “With the increase of dumb commentary and … Continue reading Breaking: Second Hour Church Meetings Will Now Be Condensed Into Short-Form Reels For Audience Retention

Marceline Abadeer
Featured, News, Uncategorized

Chappell Roan Beheads Young Fan While Visiting Provo

This week, Chappell Roan violently decapitated an 11 year old fan who looked at her in the Provo Marriott and Conference Center.    Onlookers were shocked as they witnessed the scene. Staff member Kayleigh Ross recounted:    “I’ve never seen someone move with such swiftness and accuracy. One moment the kid was walking past, the next she was on the ground–-or I guess only her … Continue reading Chappell Roan Beheads Young Fan While Visiting Provo

Marceline Abadeer