The Russian government has officially added Brigham Young University to its list of “undesirable” organizations that are banned from operating in Russia. This has been a shocking development for both students and faculty. However, administration has made it clear that Coug Nation will not be mocked in such a manner. This week, BYU has clapped back through a ban of their own in retaliation.

Upon hearing the announcement from Russia, President C. Shane Reese immediately took to X to post, “No, YOU’RE undesirable!”

From now on, BYU will no longer offer the ballet performance major, as it contains too much Russian influence. Additionally, campus kitchens are officially banned from serving beets or beef stroganoff.

This has been an especially tense time for the BYUSSR, who have been quietly operating on campus for years, now. The following is a note that was taped onto a wall in the Wilk:

“Наше поглощение невозможно остановить. Его можно только отсрочить.”

The Alternate Universe is committed to providing the most accurate news as BYU enters into a Cold War of its own.