In an anonymous survey conducted by our top writers, we at the Alternate Universe learned the real truth about life in Provo as a married woman.

“I really wasn’t supposed to tell anyone this, but Quincee got a boob job. She claims it’s because she started working chest at VASA. I honestly think her husband doesn’t know either. She only told me because I told her I got a boob job first. Except I didn’t. Ha! These are all natural. “

“I told my friends they could bring their babies over whenever they needed and I’d babysit for free. Right when they leave, I start teaching the babies to say swear words in hopes of pranking the parents. I’m sorry… it’s just too funny. “

“I can’t stop buying stuffed animals. It started because I just thought they were cute, but then my husband got really into GTA 5 and stopped cuddling with me. I got into squishmallows to fill the void…”

“The other day we hiked Squaw Peak and I peed in the bushes. Sorry not sorry.”

“My husband and I go to the temple for endowment sessions once a week and just sleep through the entire thing. We’re both tired students, but want to have spiritual time as well, so this is our compromise.”

“If I see the missionaries by the MTC, I always pretend I’m a nonmember. I get a laugh and they feel like they’ve fulfilled their purpose, so really it’s a win-win. I just worry they’ll one day check on my status in the spirit world and learn the truth.”

“This girl from Brazil moved into our ward, and I saw her wearing a sleeveless top, so I knew she had the new garments. When she invited us over for dinner, I “went to the bathroom” and stole one of the tank top garments from her dresser. She won’t miss it.”

“We started a cuddle group with members from our ward. We know swinging isn’t appropriate, but there’s nothing wrong with cuddling, right?”

“My husband is a TA for a course that I’m taking. He’s not over my section, but he clocks in when I ask him homework questions, and sometimes he even gives me hints about exam questions.”