Fortune has smiled upon the Lord’s University once again. Ryker Tygers, one of the nation’s top players, has graciously offered his services to the Cougs for a small remittance of one billion dollars. Just when things were starting to look bleak at the Y, the university is thrilled to be one step closer to being better than everyone else.

 

BYU Athletics expressed their excitement: “This has got to be BYU’s biggest accomplishment yet. We have absolutely nothing else going for us at this university. There is only brown ball and big field.”

 

The Alternate Universe also collected student feedback to hear how the news is affecting campus. Joslynne Sunn stated:

 

“I just get such a rush out of being in the same classes as student-athletes. I’ve developed a lot of Christlike attributes watching them get out of class and drive their free cars to their luxury gym and get paid for it.”

 

Incoming freshman Tyler Allred said:

 

“I already DMed Ryker about being roommates in the fall. If I’m lucky, I can wash his dishes and smell his jersey while he’s at practice.”

 

With so much excitement in the air, the university encourages students and faculty to remain humble and grateful for the providence that has been bestowed upon the school.