A strain of what specialists are calling “Brigham Butt” is surging campus-wide, sparking concern over public restrooms and the severe toilet splash back when flushing. Infected students report symptoms of itchiness, burning sensations, unpleasant odor, and feelings of immense dread as the epidemic spreads.

Mathematics major Derek Bottom described his experience:

“I got Brigham Butt from the center stall in the Wilk. That thing flushed 3 TIMES before I was even done. Do you know how violating it feels to get hosed like that in such a vulnerable position? I’ll be lucky if I can kick the rash by finals.”

Another victim, Hugh Jass shared:

“It is truly one of the worst feelings ever. Not only do you have to wipe it all up, you have to go to your next class just waiting for the infection to start. It’s like I can feel it crawling all over me now.”

As the numbers of Brigham Butt cases rise, students are coming up with as many ways as possible to avoid getting sprayed by the infectious toilet water. Fanny Glute revealed her strategy:

“You basically just have to squat over the toilet, and then once you hear the flush starting, you BOOK it to the wall and take cover. If you get pee on the floor, that’s a sacrifice you have to make.”

While this method is working for some students, the epidemic keeps gaining momentum. There seems to be something about the campus toilets that is insistent on giving students the most humiliating infection possible. BYU says that plumbers have been contacted, but until then, students are advised to just hold it.