Author: Hugh Wei

Hugh Wei recently got out of prison after only twenty years of a life sentence because he was deemed “a danger to the other inmates.” He is eager to be writing for a prestigious national news source again.
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BYU Students Under 24 can receive the $1.2k Stimulus Check as Long as They Sacrifice a Goat for the Glory of Trump

Since the passing of the CARE Act, or Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act, the question on everyone’s minds has been, “will I get free money?” With so many news sources reporting so many seemingly conflicting things, it can be hard to get to the bottom of that question. Many are worried they won’t find their answer to that question until $1200 shows up … Continue reading BYU Students Under 24 can receive the $1.2k Stimulus Check as Long as They Sacrifice a Goat for the Glory of Trump

Hugh Wei
News

Emperor Constantine Complains New Jesus Symbol Too Difficult to Paint on Shield

Emperor Constantine recently made waves in the twitter sphere when he tweeted about his disapproval of the new symbol of Christ. “How am I supposed to paint this on a shield?” he said, included with a picture of the resurrected Christ under an arch. After Constantine attributed his landmark victory at the Battle of Milvian Bridge to divine intervention, the Roman population was ensured of … Continue reading Emperor Constantine Complains New Jesus Symbol Too Difficult to Paint on Shield

Hugh Wei
News

Student Books Flight to Wuhan After Receiving Organic Chemistry Midterm Results

Ryan Williamson, a sophomore at BYU, checked Learning Suite this morning. To his shock and horror, he found his most recent Organic Chemistry midterm score came in at 65%, the 93rd percentile. The score was harrowing to say the least, but sources confirm that he took solace in the fact that he did better than 93% of his classmates. Furthermore, Rate My Professor says that … Continue reading Student Books Flight to Wuhan After Receiving Organic Chemistry Midterm Results

Hugh Wei
Life

Long Lost Son Found after Fifteen Years in Provo Drainage Gutters

Friday morning was a scene of elation at the Carter household. Chris Carter, the family’s oldest son, was found alive, deep in the recesses of the Provo gutters, after his disappearance in Spring 2005. Chris was found by recreational spelunkers rappelling into the gutters early Friday morning. “We go diving in the gutters like at least once a month. They’re the deepest caves in Utah,” … Continue reading Long Lost Son Found after Fifteen Years in Provo Drainage Gutters

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