Category: Sports

News, Sports

BYU Prays Too Hard for Enemies, Loses to FSU in National Soccer Championship

In Matthew 5:44 of the King James Bible, Jesus says “but I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”. In the Lord’s locker rooms on BYU campus, this isn’t counsel that many teams take lightly. It is common practice for BYU players to pray for their opponents right before a match. However, the commandment Jesus once gave in his Sermon … Continue reading BYU Prays Too Hard for Enemies, Loses to FSU in National Soccer Championship

Lisa Simpson
Campus, News, Sports

BYU Football Drops NuSkin Sponsorship, Brings on Hooters as Primary Sponsor

Provo residents out and about this morning may have noticed the giant hooters logo atop the BYU Lavelle Edwards Stadium. Seemingly overnight, the previous NuSkin emblem was torn down and replaced in response to sponsorship changes for the BYU Football team. To understand the reasoning behind this sudden switch, the Alternate Universe sent their most seasoned reporter to speak with Seymour Butts, BYU Football Financial … Continue reading BYU Football Drops NuSkin Sponsorship, Brings on Hooters as Primary Sponsor

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Sports

Elder Oaks Beats President Nelson in Fantasy Football, Demoted to an Area Seventy

In an unexpected turn of events Elder Oaks, shocked the world and beat previously undefeated President Nelson in the Fantasy Football this past week. As a result of his sin, President Nelson immediately revoked Elder Oaks’ apostolic authority and gave him the ‘Tim Tebow’ of callings – Local Area Seventy. This was an unsurprising decision by our Prophet because everyone knows the cardinal rule of … Continue reading Elder Oaks Beats President Nelson in Fantasy Football, Demoted to an Area Seventy

Bobby Zimmeruski
Sports

BYU Football Credits Victory to Creamery Chocolate Milk

After winning against their long-time rival, the University of Utah, BYU Football accredits their victory to BYU’s own chocolate milk from the creamery. When asked how they achieved this victory, head coach Kalani Sitake revealed their secret: “BYU Creamery’s chocolate milk is what really pushed us to victory. I have my players drink it every day after practice, and the protein and energy from it … Continue reading BYU Football Credits Victory to Creamery Chocolate Milk

Sister Michael
Sports

BYU Student Who Doesn’t Follow Sports Confused Why BYU is Joining the Quorum of the Big 12

With the upcoming BYU vs Utah rivalry game on the horizon, BYU student Gregory Higgins has already had more sports talk enter his life than he would care to hear. Gregory has long been proud of his commitment to avoid the topic of athletics entirely, claiming that he does not want to take part in “hedonistic fanfare.”  Not being able to differentiate a first down … Continue reading BYU Student Who Doesn’t Follow Sports Confused Why BYU is Joining the Quorum of the Big 12

Mark Grayson