Tag: Utah

News

Utah Testing Apologizes for Miscalculation in ‘Positive’ COVID-19 Test Results

The Utah Department of Health has issued a statement detailing the incorrect number of positive COVID-19 cases reported, followed with an apology and explanation for the extreme error. The average case count per day from last week was reported as 447, a noticeable decrease from the previous weeks. Unfortunately, last week’s average case count was corrected in the Utah Department of Health’s report as an … Continue reading Utah Testing Apologizes for Miscalculation in ‘Positive’ COVID-19 Test Results

Gail Black
News

Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

When famous rapper, singer, and songwriter Kanye West announced that he would be running for president earlier this week, few people took him seriously. Just this morning, however, West doubled-down on his presidential aspirations, releasing a detailed platform of ideas. Critics are already pointing out that the 70-page manifesto is based entirely on the text and melodies of the Children’s Songbook of the Church of … Continue reading Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

Warren Dusenberry
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Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

The United States government has declared that the Fourth of July will now be the Third of July, coinciding with Hamilton’s release on Disney Plus. “I’m glad we’re recognizing the relation between Independence Day and the availability of Hamilton,” said A.J. Hamilton (no relation). “We’re about to experience freedom like never before.” Noting that “history has its eyes on [the U.S. government],” the move to … Continue reading Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

Gail Black
News

AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

According to latest reporting it appears that an AR-15 has won the Republican nomination for Governor of Utah. There is no historical precedent for inanimate objects running for governor, but that didn’t stop voters from choosing the Armalite firearm in overwhelming numbers. Election officials are as surprised as anyone at this development. “It’s never really happened this way before, but we’re very sure that we’ve … Continue reading AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

Donald Cherry
News

JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played. The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, … Continue reading JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

James West