Author: Warren Dusenberry

Warren is a skilled taxidermist and has over 10 years of experience designing farmhouse lofts. He got his start in writing in the early 1950s, and never quite figured it out. Catch him in his spare time going through other people's mail and fertilizing his expansive vegetable garden.
News

Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Larry Smith, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ investment portfolio manager, was allegedly fired and excommunicated early this morning after word got out that he had ignored a strong spiritual prompting to covert all of the Church’s more than $100 Billion in available assets into GameStop stock several months ago. Sources at Church headquarters confirm that President Nelson, after a restless night, called … Continue reading Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Warren Dusenberry
Campus

President Worthen Celebrates End of Semester with Hunt of the Prized Duck-Pond Mallard

As students rushed to submit their final exams and projects by midnight last night, President Kevin J. Worthen saddled up for his bi-annual hunt of the duck pond’s prized mallard. Sources close to BYU’s 13th president confirm that this tradition has helped Kevin unwind from the pressures of work for many years. “During finals week, Dad’s eyes start to glaze over a bit.” explains his … Continue reading President Worthen Celebrates End of Semester with Hunt of the Prized Duck-Pond Mallard

Warren Dusenberry
News

Escaped Monolith Apprehended, Safely Returned to Granite Mountain Vaults

The now infamous Utah Desert Monolith has finally been apprehended after its daring escape from the Church of Jesus Christ’s Granite Mountain Vaults last month. Although the monolith had evaded search parties for several weeks, a helicopter crew dispatched by the vaults eventually tracked it down to a remote desert rock formation. “We had it surrounded. Plastered its face all over the news.” says an … Continue reading Escaped Monolith Apprehended, Safely Returned to Granite Mountain Vaults

Warren Dusenberry
Life

Local Man Translated After Hitting “Share” on 7th Consecutive Post of Gratitude

After listening to President Nelson’s address on gratitude, local BYU student Brian Summers was determined to follow through on his challenge to share social media posts of gratitude for 7 days straight. At exactly 11:00AM today, Summers published his final post and according to one eye-witness “was immediately filled with light, overshadowed by a cloud, sucked up through an interdimensional portal”. Sources on the scene … Continue reading Local Man Translated After Hitting “Share” on 7th Consecutive Post of Gratitude

Warren Dusenberry1 Comment
Life

Ghosts of Thanksgiving Past, Present and Future Haunt BYU Student Who Put Up Christmas Decorations Too Early

Local BYU student and Christmas enthusiast Maddie Baker had just finished stringing lights around the apartment and putting on her onesie Santa pajamas when the door began to rattle. Allegedly the ghost of Sarah Smith, a former roommate who transferred to UVU, trudged in weighed down by hundreds of cheap ornaments and neatly wrapped presents. “Maddie, my old friend. I’ve come to warn you!” shouted … Continue reading Ghosts of Thanksgiving Past, Present and Future Haunt BYU Student Who Put Up Christmas Decorations Too Early

Warren Dusenberry