The now infamous Utah Desert Monolith has finally been apprehended after its daring escape from the Church of Jesus Christ’s Granite Mountain Vaults last month. Although the monolith had evaded search parties for several weeks, a helicopter crew dispatched by the vaults eventually tracked it down to a remote desert rock formation.

“We had it surrounded. Plastered its face all over the news.” says an LDS general authority who requested to remain anonymous, “But in the middle of the night the monolith crept off again. We hunted it across the globe to Romania, where we finally took it into custody just before it crossed the Ukrainian border.”

When asked for more details on the monolith’s origins, the Church declined to comment.

“We’ve got it locked up again. Your families are safe. That’s all you need to know.”