Author: Lisa Simpson

Campus, Life, News

CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

This morning, LDS Church Commissioner of Education, Clark Griswold Gilbert took the stage at BYU’s 2025 graduation ceremony to remind everyone he went to Harvard and then give the commencement address.    In the address, Commissioner Gilbert reviewed all of the disruption that he’s innovated over his past four years in office before announcing that he will be the permanent commencement speaker at BYU graduations … Continue reading CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

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Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed

A recent investigation into BYU’s Honor Code Office has confirmed what many have speculated for years—all lower-level employees have undergone the severance procedure. The severance procedure is a surgical operation that splits an employee’s work and personal memories into two distinct consciousnesses, essentially creating separate “work” and “personal” identities, preventing them from accessing information about their personal lives while at work and vice versa. This … Continue reading Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed

Lisa Simpson
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Terrifying! VASA Bro Being Himself For Halloween

With All Hallows Eve on the horizon, Provo residents are narrowing in on their costumes of choice. And while some are playing it safe, others are erring on the scarier side. This year, one resident in particular has decided to go as a character more horrifying than them all—himself. Bryce Epp weighs in at a dense 6’4″ 250 pounds. He swipes by day and lifts … Continue reading Terrifying! VASA Bro Being Himself For Halloween

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Life

Slacker? This Woman Skipped Class to Work on Class

Leave it to midterm season to separate the wheat from the tares. While many have been putting their shoulder to the wheel this past week, others are cutting corners. Namely, Railen Smith. This double major completely blew off her eternal families class this morning to work on her huge philosophy 864R paper that’s due tonight. While Railen has historically been a star student, this disappointing … Continue reading Slacker? This Woman Skipped Class to Work on Class

Lisa Simpson