BYU Purchases Future Starbucks Lot to Prevent Coffee from Creeping Closer to Campus

In an effort to “avoid the appearance of evil,” Brigham Young University announced Friday that they had acquired the property where a Starbucks is currently under construction. The popular coffee chain was set to open a restaurant west of campus in the spring, but the university was determined to go to extreme measures to prevent it from happening. Reports say that BYU paid a whopping $6 million for the lot after seven months of negotiations with Starbucks, with some financial analysts calling it “one of the most absurd overpays in the history of Utah.”

“Today, we chose to take a stand against immorality, no matter the cost,” said BYU spokesperson Jeff Hinch. “While we cannot assure that our students do not partake of the Devil’s bean juice, we can take measures so that they will not be tempted by the delicious smell of a local coffee shop.”

“Frankly, this acquisition is a waste of the university’s resources,” renowned analyst Carlos Cora said. “It’s an embarrassing transaction for the state of Utah too, and this is a place where people pay large amounts of money to put letters on the sides of mountains.”

Sources say BYU plans to spin off the property to one of the three major soda chains in the area: Swig, Sodalicious, or Fiiz. Las Vegas bookies have Swig as the favorite to acquire the half-finished restaurant, although Fiiz has been a popular “sleeper pick” in the dirty soda-loving gambling community. Regardless of which soda shop ultimately gets the property, BYU is expected to take a loss of over $5.9 million on the sale of the disgraced property.

3 thoughts on “BYU Purchases Future Starbucks Lot to Prevent Coffee from Creeping Closer to Campus

  1. Wow – the devil’s bean juice. How stupid. Also, how stupid to overpay as they did for such a ridiculous belief, albeit everyone has a right to there own beliefs. I happen to think that pigs can fly! Come on BYU get real. Show the world how coffee is tied to evil

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