The G-Rated, LDS version of the highly anticipated “Cocaine Bear” introduces a cautionary tale about choosing the right. All in moderation.

Amongst few, unemployed LDS historians, a hot debate takes place on the origins of The First Vision. Those like David Deserat believe the dark power that overwhelmed Joseph Smith seconds before the first vision was none other than a wild cougar, dressed in the powdery aftermath of a nearby “cocaine explosion.”

“I know it sounds ridiculous, or maybe, one could say, miraculous?” Deserat said after an almost 30-minute uninterrupted and unprompted ramble. “I do believe Satan put him there as his last buzzer-beater attempt. I mean, think about the stakes.”

No one would argue with that. Not because they couldn’t, but more so because no one would want to engage with Teller in any capacity, whatsoever.

Cocaine cougar-conspiracist or not, local mothers like Janine Fartmore say the film will leave a good impact on the community.

“As a mom, I hope they continue to show the misuse of drugs in movies more,” said Fartmore. “It’s like I’m always telling my kids, ‘Why play with powder when you can just pop them pills instead?’ Gotta start em young.”

“Cocaine Cougar” will be showing in Varsity Theater until General Conference, April 1st.