In the recent whirlwind of events and changes in the church, Latter Day Saints are particularly concerned about the question “who is Dallin H. Oaks?”, but few are asking “how is Dallin H. Oaks?”

In an exclusive interview with President Oaks, he expressed:

“I’ve had a lot of big jobs in my life, but this one is def gonna be my biggest. I mean, no one has ever made it out of this calling alive…”

Some of President Oaks’ notable titles include BYU President, Cosmo the Cougar (once), and Bald Club Committee member for over 50 years. One would think with a resume like this, being president of the Church should be a cinch. However, President Oaks claims that he still feels a great deal of trepidation for the responsibility.

“I’m starting to understand the appeal of those sensory toys you little anxious kids play with during conference. I ordered the silicone pop-it last night.”

Sister Kristen Oaks added, “I’ve been putting goldfish in his scriptures in case he forgets to eat. It seems to be helping.”

Yet, with all the nerves and anxiety surrounding the situation, we at the Alternate Universe have the utmost confidence that President Oaks will rise to the occasion as always.