Author: Lisa Simpson

Featured, Life, News, Uncategorized

Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, the church directs: “before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing”. For years, this counsel has left righteous Latter-Day Saint youths and young adults scratching their heads- what qualifies as “passionate kissing”? This morning, the First Presidency released a statement clarifying the Lord’s stance on kissing before marriage. It marked the first official instruction regarding chastity within the … Continue reading Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured, Life, Uncategorized

Oscar for Best Actor Goes to Guy Pretending to Be Interested at Wilk Booth with Free Cookies

The votes are in. The 94th Academy Awards has named “the guy feigning interest at the Wilk booth in order to get a free cookie” the best actor of 2021. An exclusive interview with this man at the Oscar’s after party revealed more about what motivated his performance. “I have 23 cents in my bank account. I have subsisted on nothing but free booth cookies … Continue reading Oscar for Best Actor Goes to Guy Pretending to Be Interested at Wilk Booth with Free Cookies

Lisa Simpson
Featured

Man Wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Least Kissable Alive

The results of a randomized, controlled, double-blind study conducted by the BYU sociology department recently discovered that out of every type of man that exists, a man who waits all year to wear his cheeky “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tee is in fact the least worthy of your lips alive. We all know him. He has a dell laptop and sings showtunes on his way … Continue reading Man Wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Least Kissable Alive

Lisa Simpson
Featured, News

President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

This morning, The Russian leader Vladimir Putin was found “dead in his mansion” with a “javelin in his heart”. Some say all of heaven cheered as they looked down on the murdered man. The Alternate Universe confirmed that the assassination was in fact the work of Book of Mormon war hero Teancum. In an exclusive interview, Teancum opened up about his successful secret mission. During … Continue reading President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured, News, Uncategorized

Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

He can shotgun two rootbeers at one time. He doesn’t own one pair of actual pants. Once, he tried hot sauce. He is, the toughest, coolest man in the world. You’ve probably seen him around campus but have been too intimidated to approach him. His name is Drayden Owens, and he doesn’t give a fr*k how cold it is outside- he’s wearing shorts. “His white calves … Continue reading Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

Lisa Simpson