After the opening of the BYU Milk and Cookie bar was a great success, BYU administration has announced that the bar will serve purposes other than serving food. “We understand that some BYU students will not have a normal college experience, which would include going to bars. We decided to provide them with a pseudo-bar experience so they can relate to their non-Latter-day Saint peers … Continue reading BYU Milk and Cookie Bar Introduces Cover Charge, Bouncer, ID Policy to Help Students Understand the ‘Real Bar’ Experience

Rumors have been flying all week after an ear-piercing siren was heard from the ASB on Monday. According to the Honor Code office, student honor dipped below the “righteousness threshold” this week, triggering alarms in all administrative offices. Honor Code officials have recognized the primary cause for low virtue levels among students— a recent trend of complete disregard for chastity lines in BYU-approved housing.  Luckily … Continue reading Honor Code Office Proposes Implanting Students with ‘Taser Chip’ to Prevent Chastity Line Infractions

Are you frantically trying to put your schedule together for next semester? Are you frantically trying to get married? BYU can solve both of your biggest fears with the following five courses. Enjoy! The Eternal Family Learning outcomes include a guilty feeling for not already being married. While the professor is lecturing on the importance of the law of chastity, you can peruse the roll … Continue reading BYU Adds Five New Classes That Are Guaranteed To Get You Married

After months of rumors, sources at Brigham Young University have confided in The Alternate Universe that everything is okay. Despite how things may seem, it looks like things are actually going pretty well at BYU. With summer turning into fall, temperatures have dropped to a comfortable range for all students, whether they happen to be from Arizona or Alaska. Add that to the wonderful fall … Continue reading Breaking News: Everything’s Actually Okay

In an effort to decrease jaywalking across dangerous streets on campus, BYU Police announced Thursday that they had replaced a sign telling students to wait for the “walk” indication with one that explicitly tells drivers to run over pedestrians. The sign was placed on West Campus Drive, notorious for its long crosswalk and frequency of more than 11 cars per hour speeding by. “It’s time … Continue reading Drivers Encouraged to Run Over Campus Pedestrians in Anti-Jaywalking Campaign