Category: Featured

Campus, Featured

BYU Denies There Were Ever Rectangle Tables in the Wilk

Thousands of students say the rectables came as suddenly as they went. Administrators say they never existed. The questions remains: Who’s doing the lying, and is BYU covering up something much more sinister? Last Monday, students reported that literally overnight, the circular tables in the Wilkinson Student Center were replaced with rectangle tables arrayed end to end. Opinions on the change varied. What caused the … Continue reading BYU Denies There Were Ever Rectangle Tables in the Wilk

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Sports

Joe Burrow loses Super Bowl after not paying tithing

After losing the important game of his career, Burrow only can blame one person: himself. The Bengals lost a close, hard-fought game this Sunday. On the sidelines, word got out that Joe Burrow had not paid his tithing that month. The Alternate Universe received an exclusive interview with Burrow because we’re just cool like that. “I can only blame myself at this point,” Joe Burrow … Continue reading Joe Burrow loses Super Bowl after not paying tithing

Bobby Zimmeruski
Featured, Sports

Ministering Rates Mysteriously Increase on Super Bowl Sunday

As Super Bowl Sunday is upon us once again, we can finally enjoy the culmination of years training from athletes who are, and will always be, better than you. But on this year’s Super Bowl Sunday, you can look forward to a visit from people who are not, and will never be, better than you: your ministers. The Church has noticed a strange trend in … Continue reading Ministering Rates Mysteriously Increase on Super Bowl Sunday

Bobby Zimmeruski
Featured, Life, News

BYU Returning to Online Classes In Response to Cheese Touch Outbreak

This morning around 9 am, BYU students received the news that all classes will convert to online delivery effective immediately in response to the recent cheese touch outbreak on campus. They say it’s worse than a case of nuclear cooties. It spreads faster than butter on a hot roll, and it can smell fear. With around 5,000 campus cases and counting, the administration was left … Continue reading BYU Returning to Online Classes In Response to Cheese Touch Outbreak

Lisa Simpson