Missionaries Win Trip to Space, Bigger Plans to Colonize Mars

  SpaceX announced sometime last week that they will send their first all-civilian mission to space. They opened up a lottery-style contest to the public, and participants could enter by donating to a charity. Apparently, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is on this list of approved charities, so tithing counted as a donation. Elder Johnson won the third ticket to SpaceX’s 4-civilian … Continue reading Missionaries Win Trip to Space, Bigger Plans to Colonize Mars

Cosmo Fills in for Sick Groundhog, Sees His Shadow and Predicts 6 more years of COVID

For the first time since 1886, famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil Canon was unable to participate in Groundhog Day. Afflicted with a case of COVID-19, Phil is currently quarantining in his hibernation burrow. Moved with compassion for his fellow mammal and long time friend, beloved BYU mascot Cosmo the Cougar stepped in to fill his place. Around 7:30am, live video footage was captured of Cosmo emerging … Continue reading Cosmo Fills in for Sick Groundhog, Sees His Shadow and Predicts 6 more years of COVID

BYU Decides to Model Random COVID Testing Selection Process after Hunger Games Reapings

With mandatory COVID-19 testing complete for all BYU students, a new season of randomized testing is coming into full swing. Despite BYU’s randomized selection process proving highly effective this past week, the administration has made a sudden decision to alter it completely. Starting Monday, their new approach will be modeled after the reaping system in the hit teen-dystopian novel The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. … Continue reading BYU Decides to Model Random COVID Testing Selection Process after Hunger Games Reapings

Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Larry Smith, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ investment portfolio manager, was allegedly fired and excommunicated early this morning after word got out that he had ignored a strong spiritual prompting to covert all of the Church’s more than $100 Billion in available assets into GameStop stock several months ago. Sources at Church headquarters confirm that President Nelson, after a restless night, called … Continue reading Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Eliza R. Snow to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 Bill

In the past few days the Biden administration has reportedly begun reinstating efforts to add Harriet Tubman’s portrait to the $20 bill, replacing Andrew Jackson. This project was originally initiated by the Obama administration, and is finally being brought to fruition. Another change a little closer to home, is the decision to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 bill with Eliza R. Snow. The newly … Continue reading Eliza R. Snow to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 Bill