Category: News

News

Quarantined Missionary Finally Memorizes the Entire Old Testament

After four long months of effort, Sister Ramona Jenkins has finally memorized the Old Testament of her KJV Bible. Missionaries have been forced to spend the majority of their time in their apartments since March and many have used the extra time to do family history work or call members and investigators. Sister Jenkins decided to use the time to commit the entirety of the … Continue reading Quarantined Missionary Finally Memorizes the Entire Old Testament

Donald Cherry
News

Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

When famous rapper, singer, and songwriter Kanye West announced that he would be running for president earlier this week, few people took him seriously. Just this morning, however, West doubled-down on his presidential aspirations, releasing a detailed platform of ideas. Critics are already pointing out that the 70-page manifesto is based entirely on the text and melodies of the Children’s Songbook of the Church of … Continue reading Kanye Releases Presidential Platform Based Entirely on the LDS Children’s Songbook

Warren Dusenberry
News

ICE Doubles Down, Announces All College Students to be Deported Due to Online Classes

On July 6th, a new ICE policy came to light that would require all international college students enrolled in exclusively online courses to leave the United States. Today, ICE doubled down and expanded their policy to include all college students, regardless of nationality. “We figured, hey why do all these no-good freeloading college wimps need to be here? They’re doing all their classes online anyways, … Continue reading ICE Doubles Down, Announces All College Students to be Deported Due to Online Classes

Donald Cherry
News

Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours

Provo citizens were excited to hear that the 4th of July “Grand Parade” was set to happen despite the COVID-19 pandemic. City officials announced that the parade would be compliant with social distancing rules, and take full precautions for the safety of all involved.  However, due to a typo in the instructions, rather than staying 60 feet apart, all floats were 600 feet apart from … Continue reading Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours

Albert Camus
News

Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

The United States government has declared that the Fourth of July will now be the Third of July, coinciding with Hamilton’s release on Disney Plus. “I’m glad we’re recognizing the relation between Independence Day and the availability of Hamilton,” said A.J. Hamilton (no relation). “We’re about to experience freedom like never before.” Noting that “history has its eyes on [the U.S. government],” the move to … Continue reading Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

Gail Black