Category: News

News

ICE Doubles Down, Announces All College Students to be Deported Due to Online Classes

On July 6th, a new ICE policy came to light that would require all international college students enrolled in exclusively online courses to leave the United States. Today, ICE doubled down and expanded their policy to include all college students, regardless of nationality. “We figured, hey why do all these no-good freeloading college wimps need to be here? They’re doing all their classes online anyways, … Continue reading ICE Doubles Down, Announces All College Students to be Deported Due to Online Classes

Donald Cherry
News

Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours

Provo citizens were excited to hear that the 4th of July “Grand Parade” was set to happen despite the COVID-19 pandemic. City officials announced that the parade would be compliant with social distancing rules, and take full precautions for the safety of all involved.  However, due to a typo in the instructions, rather than staying 60 feet apart, all floats were 600 feet apart from … Continue reading Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours

Albert Camus
News

Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

The United States government has declared that the Fourth of July will now be the Third of July, coinciding with Hamilton’s release on Disney Plus. “I’m glad we’re recognizing the relation between Independence Day and the availability of Hamilton,” said A.J. Hamilton (no relation). “We’re about to experience freedom like never before.” Noting that “history has its eyes on [the U.S. government],” the move to … Continue reading Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”

Gail Black
News

Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

  While early reports suggested the wildfire sweeping through Lehi and Saratoga Springs this past week was sparked by firework misuse, authorities now say that it was all a carefully controlled burn orchestrated by madly-in-love Hyrum Byer.  Aerial photography aided the investigation as the message “Marry Me?” was etched through the burning brush of Traverse Mountain.   Byer, 21 and newly engaged, said in an interview … Continue reading Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

Emil Ratburn III
News

AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

According to latest reporting it appears that an AR-15 has won the Republican nomination for Governor of Utah. There is no historical precedent for inanimate objects running for governor, but that didn’t stop voters from choosing the Armalite firearm in overwhelming numbers. Election officials are as surprised as anyone at this development. “It’s never really happened this way before, but we’re very sure that we’ve … Continue reading AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

Donald Cherry