Category: News

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Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

  While early reports suggested the wildfire sweeping through Lehi and Saratoga Springs this past week was sparked by firework misuse, authorities now say that it was all a carefully controlled burn orchestrated by madly-in-love Hyrum Byer.  Aerial photography aided the investigation as the message “Marry Me?” was etched through the burning brush of Traverse Mountain.   Byer, 21 and newly engaged, said in an interview … Continue reading Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say

Emil Ratburn III
News

AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

According to latest reporting it appears that an AR-15 has won the Republican nomination for Governor of Utah. There is no historical precedent for inanimate objects running for governor, but that didn’t stop voters from choosing the Armalite firearm in overwhelming numbers. Election officials are as surprised as anyone at this development. “It’s never really happened this way before, but we’re very sure that we’ve … Continue reading AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary

Donald Cherry
News

Recent COVID-19 Spike in Utah Traced Back to Single Sodalicious 

Early speculation attributed spikes in COVID-19 across the nation to protests, Memorial day celebrations, and the economy reopening. However, in Provo and the greater Utah Valley area, contact tracing has lead authorities to a single Sodalicous store.  In an interview with Sodalicous employee Randy Harman, which was conducted from six-feet away, he said that most of the patrons that day were not wearing masks. He … Continue reading Recent COVID-19 Spike in Utah Traced Back to Single Sodalicious 

Albert Camus
News

Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints went through a rollercoaster of emotions last week as beloved apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was admitted to a Utah hospital and released days later. Although the Church did not explain the reason for the hospitalization in its official statement, sources close to Holland confirm that the apostle fell violently ill after huffing an entire … Continue reading Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Warren Dusenberry
News

Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

According to a statement released by the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints, missionaries representing the Church can now give off chiller vibes. Prior to the statement, which was released on Friday, missionaries of both genders were supposed to look lame all the time. Sometimes, the boys got mistaken for the FBI, but even that was rare. “We just wanted people to know that we … Continue reading Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

Liz Lemon