Category: News

News

Recent COVID-19 Spike in Utah Traced Back to Single Sodalicious 

Early speculation attributed spikes in COVID-19 across the nation to protests, Memorial day celebrations, and the economy reopening. However, in Provo and the greater Utah Valley area, contact tracing has lead authorities to a single Sodalicous store.  In an interview with Sodalicous employee Randy Harman, which was conducted from six-feet away, he said that most of the patrons that day were not wearing masks. He … Continue reading Recent COVID-19 Spike in Utah Traced Back to Single Sodalicious 

Albert Camus
News

Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints went through a rollercoaster of emotions last week as beloved apostle Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was admitted to a Utah hospital and released days later. Although the Church did not explain the reason for the hospitalization in its official statement, sources close to Holland confirm that the apostle fell violently ill after huffing an entire … Continue reading Confirmed: Elder Holland Released from Hospital After Vaping COVID-19 Sample to Gain Greater Empathy for Virus Victims

Warren Dusenberry
News

Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

According to a statement released by the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints, missionaries representing the Church can now give off chiller vibes. Prior to the statement, which was released on Friday, missionaries of both genders were supposed to look lame all the time. Sometimes, the boys got mistaken for the FBI, but even that was rare. “We just wanted people to know that we … Continue reading Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool

Liz Lemon
News

LDS Church Suspends Word of Wisdom Requirement For Remainder of 2020

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints released a statement that declared the suspension of Word of Wisdom for the remainder of 2020 early Wednesday morning. The Word of Wisdom is a health code that requires members of the Church to abstain from alcohol, coffee, tea, and drugs. “It’s been a tough year for so many reasons. We just think the Saints should take … Continue reading LDS Church Suspends Word of Wisdom Requirement For Remainder of 2020

Liz Lemon2 Comments
News

Governor Herbert Polls Citizens on What They Would Prefer to Die from This Year

A mass mailing campaign initiated by the office of Governor Herbert reportedly landed a special poll in each and every Utah citizen’s mailbox this morning. The poll asks respondents “What is your preferred manner of death in 2020?” and then lists many possible options including COVID-19, an earthquake, killer hornets, and Danites. A special disclaimer at the bottom explains that although the State of Utah … Continue reading Governor Herbert Polls Citizens on What They Would Prefer to Die from This Year

Warren Dusenberry