Vivint Sales Bro Takes Note of Looted Businesses to Approach Next Summer

Colby Doland may have had his riveting summer of selling security systems and working out ruined by COVID-19, but he’s already set on “making bank” in 2021. Following a devastating week of protests across the nation, Colby has begun compiling a list of all businesses that have been looted or damaged in any way. He plans on approaching each and every one with his well-rehearsed … Continue reading Vivint Sales Bro Takes Note of Looted Businesses to Approach Next Summer

John the Revelator Appears, Drops Mic, and Returns to the Afterlife

It is no surprise that 2020 has been quite a year for the history books, but nobody expected this. Eyewitnesses on the isle of Patmos have confirmed that John the Revelator has appeared in the year 2020. Reportedly, on the morning of June 1st, 2020, a strong beam of light shined onto the small Greek island in the Aegean Sea. Eyewitnesses report that John the … Continue reading John the Revelator Appears, Drops Mic, and Returns to the Afterlife

‘The Spirit Goes to Bed at 8PM Tonight’ Says Governor Herbert, Issuing SLC Curfew

Following a turbulent afternoon of protests in Salt Lake City, one in which thousands gathered to demand an end to police brutality and racism, Utah’s Governor Gary Herbert issued a curfew, stating: “For the next couple days the Spirit goes to bed at 8PM instead of midnight.” “You really don’t want to be out past 8PM again until Monday.” the statement issued by the Governor’s … Continue reading ‘The Spirit Goes to Bed at 8PM Tonight’ Says Governor Herbert, Issuing SLC Curfew

SpaceX Astronauts Really Hoping for Clear Weather so They Can Get Off the Planet before Anything Else Horrible Happens

After a failed launch on Wednesday afternoon due to unfavorable weather, astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are eager to get to the International Space Station as quickly as possible. “We were just devastated about the weather. You know, we’ll be spending significant time up there away from our friends and family. It’s a big commitment, not to mention all the important ways we’ll advance … Continue reading SpaceX Astronauts Really Hoping for Clear Weather so They Can Get Off the Planet before Anything Else Horrible Happens

Seeking to Do Their Part, Nation’s Karens Flood ‘Racism Inc.’ with Complaints, Negative Reviews

Typically Karens are known for berating restaurant staff and making unreasonable demands of grocery store workers. Lately however, they’ve utilized their grievance airing capabilities for good. While millions around the country idly watch the protests and riots in Minneapolis, thousands of suburban soccer moms have thrown their support behind activists in the best way they know. By early Thursday morning hundreds of negative Yelp! reviews … Continue reading Seeking to Do Their Part, Nation’s Karens Flood ‘Racism Inc.’ with Complaints, Negative Reviews