Category: News

Ward Clerk
News

Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

Scott Cook, a computer science major in his third year, serves as Ward Clerk in the Provo 110 YSA ward. Each Sunday since being called last year, Scott dutifully emerged from his private room to count the attending members. But on March 15, Scott, blissfully unaware of current events, arrived for sacrament only to find himself the sole attendee. He texted the bishop, asking where … Continue reading Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

James West
Campus, News

BYU Waiting for Cosmo to Emerge from Burrow, See Own Shadow Before Declaring Virtual Fall Semester

While many universities have already made the decision as to whether they will open up campus again Fall semester, BYU continues to keep students in limbo. In a recent letter to the student body, BYU administrators explained that they are unable to make the official determination that classes will continue online unless Cosmo crawls out of his burrow and recognizes his own shadow. Continue reading BYU Waiting for Cosmo to Emerge from Burrow, See Own Shadow Before Declaring Virtual Fall Semester

Warren Dusenberry
Temple sealers
News

Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Since Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that 17 temples would be reopening for live sealings this month, General Authorities quickly issued the call to awaken two dozen sealers who had been frozen at the start of the pandemic. Sources confirm they represent an elite force of priesthood holders who can confidently perform sealings without fear of becoming infected. “When … Continue reading Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Warren Dusenberry
News

JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played. The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, … Continue reading JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

James West
News

President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

An anonymous source from Church Headquarters Salt Lake City reports that President Nelson is in talks with the leader of the California Gulls.

These meetings are in response to multiple reports about murder hornets invading the United States. The hornets are known to decapitate bees and destroy entire colonies. The source from Church Headquarters says that President Nelson is particularly concerned about what the invasive hornets could do in “The Beehive State”. Continue reading President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

Liz Lemon