‘The Spirit Goes to Bed at 8PM Tonight’ Says Governor Herbert, Issuing SLC Curfew

Following a turbulent afternoon of protests in Salt Lake City, one in which thousands gathered to demand an end to police brutality and racism, Utah’s Governor Gary Herbert issued a curfew, stating: “For the next couple days the Spirit goes to bed at 8PM instead of midnight.” “You really don’t want to be out past 8PM again until Monday.” the statement issued by the Governor’s … Continue reading ‘The Spirit Goes to Bed at 8PM Tonight’ Says Governor Herbert, Issuing SLC Curfew

SpaceX Astronauts Really Hoping for Clear Weather so They Can Get Off the Planet before Anything Else Horrible Happens

After a failed launch on Wednesday afternoon due to unfavorable weather, astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are eager to get to the International Space Station as quickly as possible. “We were just devastated about the weather. You know, we’ll be spending significant time up there away from our friends and family. It’s a big commitment, not to mention all the important ways we’ll advance … Continue reading SpaceX Astronauts Really Hoping for Clear Weather so They Can Get Off the Planet before Anything Else Horrible Happens

Seeking to Do Their Part, Nation’s Karens Flood ‘Racism Inc.’ with Complaints, Negative Reviews

Typically Karens are known for berating restaurant staff and making unreasonable demands of grocery store workers. Lately however, they’ve utilized their grievance airing capabilities for good. While millions around the country idly watch the protests and riots in Minneapolis, thousands of suburban soccer moms have thrown their support behind activists in the best way they know. By early Thursday morning hundreds of negative Yelp! reviews … Continue reading Seeking to Do Their Part, Nation’s Karens Flood ‘Racism Inc.’ with Complaints, Negative Reviews

Ward Clerk

Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

Scott Cook, a computer science major in his third year, serves as Ward Clerk in the Provo 110 YSA ward. Each Sunday since being called last year, Scott dutifully emerged from his private room to count the attending members. But on March 15, Scott, blissfully unaware of current events, arrived for sacrament only to find himself the sole attendee. He texted the bishop, asking where … Continue reading Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

BYU Waiting for Cosmo to Emerge from Burrow, See Own Shadow Before Declaring Virtual Fall Semester

While many universities have already made the decision as to whether they will open up campus again Fall semester, BYU continues to keep students in limbo. In a recent letter to the student body, BYU administrators explained that they are unable to make the official determination that classes will continue online unless Cosmo crawls out of his burrow and recognizes his own shadow. Continue reading BYU Waiting for Cosmo to Emerge from Burrow, See Own Shadow Before Declaring Virtual Fall Semester