Category: News

Temple sealers
News

Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Since Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that 17 temples would be reopening for live sealings this month, General Authorities quickly issued the call to awaken two dozen sealers who had been frozen at the start of the pandemic. Sources confirm they represent an elite force of priesthood holders who can confidently perform sealings without fear of becoming infected. “When … Continue reading Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Warren Dusenberry
News

JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played. The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, … Continue reading JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

James West
News

President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

An anonymous source from Church Headquarters Salt Lake City reports that President Nelson is in talks with the leader of the California Gulls.

These meetings are in response to multiple reports about murder hornets invading the United States. The hornets are known to decapitate bees and destroy entire colonies. The source from Church Headquarters says that President Nelson is particularly concerned about what the invasive hornets could do in “The Beehive State”. Continue reading President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

Liz Lemon
News

Zoom Announces New Account Option ‘Zoom Singles,’ to Partner with Mutual as Date Hosting Platform

Earlier this week, Zoom­ announced the launch of their newest account option, “Zoom Singles.” Zoom, a video conferencing service widely used during social distancing efforts, plans to partner with Mutual to host dates organized on the dating app. “It’s a game-changing innovation in the dating world,” said a developer working on the upgrade. “Only issue was finding where to beta-test this option. We thought, ‘Who … Continue reading Zoom Announces New Account Option ‘Zoom Singles,’ to Partner with Mutual as Date Hosting Platform

Johnny Swift1 Comment
News

Medical Professionals Mysteriously Absent from Quarantine Protests

Across the United States, various levels of quarantine have been instituted in an effort to flatten the curve. Despite Utah being one of the only states without statewide COVID-19 restrictions in place, the Stay-at-Home order has still been too much for some Utah residents to bear; protests against quarantine have ranged from Salt Lake City to Saint George. However, medical professionals seem to be mysteriously … Continue reading Medical Professionals Mysteriously Absent from Quarantine Protests

Johnny Swift1 Comment