BYU President Kevin Worthen, having spent his holiday break exclusively in solitude atop Y-mountain returned this Tuesday to the rowdy crowds awaiting his traditional first devotional to open the new semester. Many are still in shock at his dramatic announcement that animal sacrifice as described in the Old Testament will be taking the place of BYU’s current honor code. The devotional itself got off to … Continue reading Shining Bearded President Worthen Announces Animal Sacrifice to Replace Honor Code

With the Provo Missionary Training Center’s expansion well under way and slated for completion later this year, there’s still one thing about one of the structure’s designs that has been raising eyebrows. A curious dome installed on the outcropping first floor of the smaller of the two new buildings has got people asking questions. Based on insider information provided by a rogue construction worker who … Continue reading MTC Successfully Installs Death-Star Laser, Newest Bargaining Chip in Missionary Efforts

Citing a recent post-holiday season decline in the hours students spend volunteering in the community, BYU’s Y-Serve has decided to increase the presence of on-campus dementors in a last-ditch effort to remind students of the need to make time to serve others. With intimidating height of just over ten feet, dark eyeless faces, and each sporting eternally a single black garb made of who-knows-what sent … Continue reading Y-Serve Enlists Help of Dementors to Remind Students They Have Time to Serve

Early Tuesday morning the front doors of the Harold B. Lee Library opened wide to welcome its newest tenant: Suzan the orangutan. Jeff Harris, director of the BYU “Ark” project launched in 2008, confirmed that she is happily adjusting to cage #2545 on the 8th underground level of the complex next to her male counterpart Rick, and that her arrival marks the completion of the … Continue reading Female Orangutan Completes HBLL’s Doomsday Preparations