Category: Sports

Campus, Sports

BYU Golf Team, Devastated by Governor Herbert Cancelling Their Season, Crowd into Rockwell to “Drown Sorrows in Ice Cream”

Following Governor Herbert’s State of Emergency announcement, the BYU golf team was forced to suspend practices, and cancel all future meets.  Bret Emerson, a member of the team, said the announcement caught him and his teammates off guard. “Just a few weeks ago, we’re all having a great time at a Halloween party, and suddenly there’s a state of emergency?”  Emerson said he’s “not one … Continue reading BYU Golf Team, Devastated by Governor Herbert Cancelling Their Season, Crowd into Rockwell to “Drown Sorrows in Ice Cream”

Albert Camus1 Comment
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News, Sports

“Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

After buying the Utah Jazz for $1.6 billion earlier this week, Qualtrics co-founder Ryan Smith finally showed up to his first practice as owner. The billionaire tech CEO reportedly stepped on the court with an entirely new set of drills in hand. “You want this team to have any chance of a successful IPO, you sit down and listen to me!” shouted a frazzle-haired Smith … Continue reading “Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

Warren Dusenberry
Sports

BYU Grateful No Fans Present For Ugly Win Over UTSA

As BYU ground out a 27-20 win of UTSA, the lack of fans in the stadium was a welcome circumstance. BYU entered the game as 34 point favorites of the Roadrunners, but could only manage a 7 point win after sloppy play in all phases of the game. “Yeah, it wasn’t the best game we’ve ever played,” said BYU Coach Kalani Sitake. “I’m glad our … Continue reading BYU Grateful No Fans Present For Ugly Win Over UTSA

Donald Cherry
Sports

Local Man’s Cardboard Cut-out Currently Has a Better Social Life Than Him

When Utah County saw a spike in COVID-19 cases, true BYU fans were worried about one thing. How would they attend football games? Thanks to some ingenuity on the part of the college, fans were given the opportunity to “pack the seats” via lifesize cardboard cutouts.  Local man Stryker Johnson, who hasn’t done anything social outside of his apartment in over 4 months, was the … Continue reading Local Man’s Cardboard Cut-out Currently Has a Better Social Life Than Him

Albert Camus
Sports

Due to Miscommunication BYU to Play Game Against a Guy Named Troy

While many Cougar fans were excited to watch BYU take on Troy on Saturday night, a pre-game announcement from BYU AD Tom Holmoe dampened their enthusiasm. “The game between BYU and Troy University has been cancelled. It turns out we had a bit of a mix-up with our scheduling this week. We’re actually going to be playing this guy from Fresno named Troy.” said Holmoe. … Continue reading Due to Miscommunication BYU to Play Game Against a Guy Named Troy

Donald Cherry