Having finally received their official deportation orders, two missionaries detained in Russia over the past week are reportedly ecstatic to return home, and can’t wait to get started selling the movie rights to their story to whatever Christian production company will take them. Kole Brodowski, who, in contrast to his companion, was lucky enough to have his name released to the public, understands that negotiations … Continue reading Detained Russian Missionaries Excited to Come Home, Negotiate Movie Deal

Apartment managers, having sequestered themselves in a cramped, dimly lit, five foot by five foot room for nearly two months, are now cautiously unbolting the trap door. With another term gone, eye witnesses report that the management team is once again prepared to brave resident resentment for the sake of exacting cleaning check fees.  “I just assumed they were dead.” John Kirkland, Sophomore, said as … Continue reading Apartment Management Emerges Briefly from Panic Room to Conduct Cleaning Checks

Following a searching 60 minutes on his crush’s Facebook page, Jason thinks he’s finally about ready to talk to her in person – and hopes to score a second date.  “We could start with a first date, but I don’t really see the point.” Jason related from behind his computer screen, annoyed that the question even came up, “Why would we do a ‘first date’ … Continue reading After Hour of Facebook Stalking, Jason Feels Comfortable Skipping Straight to Second Date

Ever since her messy breakup, Local YSA Hailey Weldon has been completely overwhelmed by the ministering spirit and surprisingly relentless baking of her fellow ward members. With a plate of cookies arriving at her door approximately every hour for the past 5 days, Hailey admits that there “just simply hasn’t been enough free time to cry myself to sleep. Or sleep at all.” “It’s really … Continue reading Another Ministering Success Story: Lonely Girl Stocks Fridge with Over 100 Plates of Cookies

Stressed students are coming in droves to BYU’s emergency boxes this week as final tests and project due dates approach, sending the wait time to loudly vent their greatest frustrations and anxieties to the overworked blue machines skyrocketing at all locations. “It’s nice to have a chance to get really loud about what’s got you down.” Says Caroline Burns, a Freshman who didn’t mind waiting … Continue reading Wait Time to Scream into Campus Emergency Box Up 5 Hours as Finals Approach