Tag: Church

General Conference, News

Members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the 12 Apostles weigh in on General Conference being online for the second time.

President Russell M. Nelson: Make sure that your connections are up to par, both spiritually and digitally. Nobody likes buffering. Dallin H Oaks: I truly hope this is the last time General Conference is online. I cannot figure out why Zoom keeps telling me to update. Dieter F Uchtdorf: I am so happy that we can bring General Conference to the whole world through digital … Continue reading Members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the 12 Apostles weigh in on General Conference being online for the second time.

James West
News

John the Revelator Appears, Drops Mic, and Returns to the Afterlife

It is no surprise that 2020 has been quite a year for the history books, but nobody expected this. Eyewitnesses on the isle of Patmos have confirmed that John the Revelator has appeared in the year 2020. Reportedly, on the morning of June 1st, 2020, a strong beam of light shined onto the small Greek island in the Aegean Sea. Eyewitnesses report that John the … Continue reading John the Revelator Appears, Drops Mic, and Returns to the Afterlife

James West
Ward Clerk
News

Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

Scott Cook, a computer science major in his third year, serves as Ward Clerk in the Provo 110 YSA ward. Each Sunday since being called last year, Scott dutifully emerged from his private room to count the attending members. But on March 15, Scott, blissfully unaware of current events, arrived for sacrament only to find himself the sole attendee. He texted the bishop, asking where … Continue reading Frazzled Ward Clerk Finally Figures Out Why Church Attendance Has Been So Low Since Mid-March

James West
Temple sealers
News

Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Since Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that 17 temples would be reopening for live sealings this month, General Authorities quickly issued the call to awaken two dozen sealers who had been frozen at the start of the pandemic. Sources confirm they represent an elite force of priesthood holders who can confidently perform sealings without fear of becoming infected. “When … Continue reading Elite Temple Sealers Awakened from Cryo Sleep to Staff Limited Temple Reopenings

Warren Dusenberry
News

President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

An anonymous source from Church Headquarters Salt Lake City reports that President Nelson is in talks with the leader of the California Gulls.

These meetings are in response to multiple reports about murder hornets invading the United States. The hornets are known to decapitate bees and destroy entire colonies. The source from Church Headquarters says that President Nelson is particularly concerned about what the invasive hornets could do in “The Beehive State”. Continue reading President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

Liz Lemon