Dear Alternate Universe,

I’m writing to ask for advice on how to handle all of my friends getting married this summer. I’m 6’2″, work out twice a week, and served a mission, but I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend. How should I present myself this summer in order to make it clear that I’m not upset, even though I am?

Yearningly,

Logan

Dear Logan,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I, too, am of impressive stature, both physically and spiritually, but yet enduringly single. As such, I feel particularly qualified to speak on this issue.

The first thing to understand is that your romantic partner, or lack of one, does not determine your self worth. Rather, your achievements do. Things like benching an impressive amount of weight, getting good grades, and winning awards are far more important to your aura than any woman could be. So, this summer, focus on earning as much money and lifting as much weight as you can.

Secondly, rest assured that your friends are all absolutely miserable. They may look happy on the outside, but don’t be fooled. They’re actually heartbroken that they have to be married to a woman for the rest of their lives and share things like bedspace and part-time wages. Women, as we all know, cannot be trusted to fairly share such things.

Finally, getting to the crux of your question, make sure to not look at your friends’ wives during the weddings, as your jealousy may shine through. Additionally, make sure to bring up your wages every chance you get. For embellishment, emphasize that you don’t spend money on things like clothes or vegetables, so you have a lot of savings. Everyone in the vicinity will be amazed and you might find yourself married by the end of the summer.

In solidarity,

The Alternate Universe