Dear Alternate Universe,
Dear Emi,
First of all, congratulations on your respective mission calls! I write this letter for you specifically, but I congratulate you on your boyfriend’s mission call as well to highlight the fact that it was a great achievement of yours to find a boyfriend willing to serve the Lord. Such men are few and far between at BYU.
Avoiding the fearsome Dear John (or in your case, Jane) letter is surely something to prioritize as you consecrate your life towards the service of the Lord. After all, consecration includes the disclaimer that one should “leave about 25% of your efforts, time, and possessions towards worldly and temporal pursuits.”
With this in mind, I present a plan of action.
First, prior to his departure, provide your significant other with gifts that must be opened at specific times during his mission. For example, a heartfelt letter for each month that goes by would suffice. Make sure to ramp up the sappiness for each month in order to head off any possible doubts that could spring into his mind. Gifts that can be kept on his person are especially key, as they will drive his leftover attention towards you at all hours.
Next, pray, pray, pray. Your mission will provide you with 18 days of fast (remember that the handbook discourages extraneous days of fasting). Use these wisely! You may at times feel tempted to spend your fast on an investigator, but keep in mind that your eternal marriage is of much greater consequence than an investigator’s baptism. After all, no one ever says “eternal baptism”.
However, I must admit that I recommend you follow this plan: simply compose a Dear John letter before he has the chance to do so. You may include such trite affectations as “I’ll always remember your devotion to God” and “sometimes when I read my scriptures, I hear your ever-pious voice reading them aloud.” I strongly recommend this course of action, as it is guaranteed to save your dignity and your sanity. Additionally, if you write the letter manipulatively enough, your boyfriend will remain so attached to you that you may yet be able to resume courtship post-service.
I wish you the best of luck in your missionary service!
Sincerely,
The Alternate Universe.