In just a few short weeks, BYU will be infested…not with insects or rodents, but with something far worse–EFY Teenagers. BYU officials are aware of the monumental task that lies before them and have vowed to properly fortify BYU’s campus to face the onslaught, even creating a new task force called the Student Humanitarian Aid Response Team. We asked top BYU officials what their plan … Continue reading BYU Preps For Oncoming EFY Storm
BYU’s beloved mascot, Cosmo, has gotten a little cheekier. The acrobatic cat recently underwent a procedure to add some extra size to his hindquarters and has become, for lack of a better term, “dummy thicc.” While rumors about the change spread at first, Cosmo’s most recent public appearance put those myths to rest. When asked about the new changes, students have reacted differently. Freshman Jaykob … Continue reading Cosmo Cougar Gets Brazilian Butt Lift
In an effort to be more frugal and efficient with his weekly meals, sophomore Jeighdyn Jensen has come up with an ingenious plan: Buy all his pizza ahead of time. “I reckoned that I could eat one pizza a day, give or take a couple slices. I figured ten was a good round number and that would give me a little extra leeway if I … Continue reading BYU Student Meal Preps by Buying 10 Little Caesars Pizzas
Beneath BYU’s seemingly benign campus lays an intricate network of tunnels and caverns that have, until now, been undiscovered. (Except for your unemployed friends on Tuesday afternoons, that is.) Indeighyeanna Jensen, a 21 year old who moonlights as a freelance explorer and treasure-hunter, has made a stunning discovery deep under the Wilk, leaving students amazed and inspired. “When I heard about the sword of Laban, … Continue reading Student Discovers Nephite Treasures in Wilk Tunnels
A new genre of semi-aquatic Provo residents just dropped! In a shocking turn of events, a freak accident in the LSB caused a cascade of toxic, possibly radioactive ooze down the slopes surrounding the building. These contaminants found their way towards the beloved south campus duck pond causing a complete (and totally rad!) metamorphosis among some of the local fauna. When questioned about his involvement, … Continue reading LSB Chemical Spill Contaminates Duck Pond, Creates Teenage Mutant Ninja Mallards.
