Category: Featured

Campus, Featured, News

Breaking: Man-Eating Cougar Spotted on Campus, Starves to Death

Dozens of aware students exhaled a sigh of relief this afternoon as BYU Police announced that a man-eating cougar roaming on campus has officially passed away due to starvation. Security officials initially reported the numerous cougar sightings late Thursday night last week. The reports detailed a young female cougar had strayed from Y Mountain and found her way to campus. Bizarrely, BYU Police confirmed the … Continue reading Breaking: Man-Eating Cougar Spotted on Campus, Starves to Death

Sue Sylvester
Featured

Man Wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Least Kissable Alive

The results of a randomized, controlled, double-blind study conducted by the BYU sociology department recently discovered that out of every type of man that exists, a man who waits all year to wear his cheeky “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tee is in fact the least worthy of your lips alive. We all know him. He has a dell laptop and sings showtunes on his way … Continue reading Man Wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Least Kissable Alive

Lisa Simpson
Featured, News

President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

This morning, The Russian leader Vladimir Putin was found “dead in his mansion” with a “javelin in his heart”. Some say all of heaven cheered as they looked down on the murdered man. The Alternate Universe confirmed that the assassination was in fact the work of Book of Mormon war hero Teancum. In an exclusive interview, Teancum opened up about his successful secret mission. During … Continue reading President Vladimir Putin Assassinated by Teancum

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured, News, Uncategorized

Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

He can shotgun two rootbeers at one time. He doesn’t own one pair of actual pants. Once, he tried hot sauce. He is, the toughest, coolest man in the world. You’ve probably seen him around campus but have been too intimidated to approach him. His name is Drayden Owens, and he doesn’t give a fr*k how cold it is outside- he’s wearing shorts. “His white calves … Continue reading Guy Who Wears Shorts in Winter May Be Coolest, Toughest Man to Ever Live

Lisa Simpson
Campus, Featured

BYU Gym Employee Fired After Playing Music With an Actual Beat

This past Tuesday, Billy Eilish started off his shift at his newly acquired gym job with a plan to change the world. “I had been working at the [BYU Gym] for about two weeks and the music was driving me insane,” Billy told the Alternate Universe. “After hearing exclusively Coldplay and Imagine Dragons for two straight weeks, I was ready to be swallowed in the … Continue reading BYU Gym Employee Fired After Playing Music With an Actual Beat

Bobby Zimmeruski