Category: Featured

Featured

Ex-Mormon Gets Unvaccinated Following Announcement from First Presidency

Following a church announcement urging members to wear masks and get vaccinated, vocal ex-Mormon Allie Jones got “unvaccinated” to ensure she was not following the directions of the prophet.  Jones reportedly “didn’t want to end up on the wrong side of things” so she booked an appointment immediately to have her vaccination undone. “When the prophet speaks, the debate is over.” said Allie, “and by … Continue reading Ex-Mormon Gets Unvaccinated Following Announcement from First Presidency

Albert Camus
Campus, Featured

Cosmo’s true identity revealed. The shocking tell-all!

Cosmo’s true identity has been a mystery for many decades. Many people have claimed to be the famed mascot, but they have all been found out to be liars. The big cat has been revealed to be none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Since 2019, he has donned the cougar costume almost weekly in support of BYU sports. “That explains all the pec-popping,” says … Continue reading Cosmo’s true identity revealed. The shocking tell-all!

Cameron Frye
Featured

Rival Utah Mascots Spotted on Romantic End of Summer of Vacation in Bora Bora

It looks like Cougartown has just been picked up again for another season. This past weekend, pictures emerged of a scandalous affair between rival school’s mascots. Cosmo the Cougar of BYU and Costco the Ocelot of UVU were spotted sharing an alcohol-free mimosa in an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora. More pictures have been taken of the two applying lotion to each other in the … Continue reading Rival Utah Mascots Spotted on Romantic End of Summer of Vacation in Bora Bora

Bobby Zimmeruski
Featured, Life, News

UVU announces new mascot “Costco the Ocelot”

BYU students and the general public alike are already crying “copycat” over the new face of Utah Valley University. Last Friday, UVU announced that they were lying their mascot Willy the Wolverine to rest to make room for their new figurehead, “Costco”. Costco is a 6 foot tall Ocelot who specializes in clogging. Though he sports green rather than blue, he seems eerily similar to … Continue reading UVU announces new mascot “Costco the Ocelot”

Lisa Simpson
Featured, Life

BYU’s Mascot-Centric ‘Cosmo’ Magazine Faces Immediate Backlash

The magazine, which contains Cosmo’s workout routine, 112 recipes that use cougar tails, and a Q&A with the titular cougar himself, was expected to do very well but is now being considered one of the worst PR moves in BYU history.  “I’ve had Utah Valley billboards telling me that ‘Cosmo Magazine Hurts Kids’ my entire life, I’m not about to let my children anywhere near … Continue reading BYU’s Mascot-Centric ‘Cosmo’ Magazine Faces Immediate Backlash

Albert Camus