Category: Life

Life, News

Local Student Confident He Will Recognize Correct Answer if Ballot is Multiple Choice

Tired of cramming for today’s midterm elections, local BYU student Michael Kap is calling it quits, confident that if the ballot is multiple choice he’ll recognize the correct answer right away when he sees it in the voting booth. “If there’s just going to be a series of bubbles and all the potential answers are listed next to them, I’m honestly not too worried about … Continue reading Local Student Confident He Will Recognize Correct Answer if Ballot is Multiple Choice

Warren Dusenberry
Life, Sports

Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Following another disappointing loss, head coach Kalani Sitake is aggressively preparing for the football team’s next game against Boise State by actively applying for open positions at every Taco Bell across Utah. “I think we have a real chance against Boise State, but it will be a challenge.” Sitake expressed disinterestedly while scrolling through Taco Bell’s “Careers” webpage, “They’ve got a powerful company culture and … Continue reading Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Warren Dusenberry
Campus, Life, News

Trending: Get Points for Completely Ignoring Carbon-Based Lifeforms with This Groundbreaking App

Students from all over have been flooding the App Store this morning to download a revolutionary new game which promises to reward its users for completely ignoring any surrounding carbon-based lifeforms. Critics are already praising “ScreenFocus” as one of the defining apps of our generation, and a multi-million user fan base seems to agree. The app’s premise is a simple one. Tapping the bland app … Continue reading Trending: Get Points for Completely Ignoring Carbon-Based Lifeforms with This Groundbreaking App

Warren Dusenberry
Life

BYU Student Scans Calorie Content to Decide if Mindlessly Eating All 8 Servings on Accident Will Cause Major Health Problems

With textbooks strewn all over her desk and laptop open in preparation for what most certainly will be a strenuous biology study session, Carly Jones took a few seconds’ pause to quickly scan the nutritional facts of her jumbo bag of Doritos and make sure that mindlessly consuming all servings in a single sitting wouldn’t cause her major health problems. After several seconds of number … Continue reading BYU Student Scans Calorie Content to Decide if Mindlessly Eating All 8 Servings on Accident Will Cause Major Health Problems

Warren Dusenberry1 Comment
Life

Apartment Tense as Third Day of No One Buying New Toilet Paper Drags On

“Hey, looks like we’re still out of toilet paper.” John Caster, Sophomore, laughed offhandedly to his roommates last Friday after emerging from the bathroom. While appearing cool and collected on the outside, John is reportedly only one more emergency bathroom visit away from breaking down. Our sources confirm that apartment #347 of King Henry is now in its third day of no one buying new … Continue reading Apartment Tense as Third Day of No One Buying New Toilet Paper Drags On

Warren Dusenberry