Category: Life

Campus, Life, News, Uncategorized

BYU Students to Participate in ‘The Purge’ Following the Decertification of BYU Police

After legal action resulted in BYU Police losing the ability to make arrests and investigate crimes starting September 1st 2019, BYU students plan on holding an event they’re calling “The Purge” on September 2nd. “We’re just basically going to do what we want. The men will grow beards, the women will wear leggings, and we’ll stay out till 12:30 AM instead of midnight.” said Student … Continue reading BYU Students to Participate in ‘The Purge’ Following the Decertification of BYU Police

Liz Lemon
Campus, Life, News

BYU Theater Department to Perform Censored Version of “The Book of Mormon” Musical

The BYU Department of Theater and Media Arts announced that it will be producing an adapted version of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s hit musical “The Book of Mormon.” “We’re really looking forward to showing BYU students the musical,” said student director and theatre major Sarah Andrews. “My parents saw it on Broadway and walked out after the first 15 minutes, but … Continue reading BYU Theater Department to Perform Censored Version of “The Book of Mormon” Musical

Liz Lemon1 Comment
Life, News

Local Student Confident He Will Recognize Correct Answer if Ballot is Multiple Choice

Tired of cramming for today’s midterm elections, local BYU student Michael Kap is calling it quits, confident that if the ballot is multiple choice he’ll recognize the correct answer right away when he sees it in the voting booth. “If there’s just going to be a series of bubbles and all the potential answers are listed next to them, I’m honestly not too worried about … Continue reading Local Student Confident He Will Recognize Correct Answer if Ballot is Multiple Choice

Warren Dusenberry
Life, Sports

Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Following another disappointing loss, head coach Kalani Sitake is aggressively preparing for the football team’s next game against Boise State by actively applying for open positions at every Taco Bell across Utah. “I think we have a real chance against Boise State, but it will be a challenge.” Sitake expressed disinterestedly while scrolling through Taco Bell’s “Careers” webpage, “They’ve got a powerful company culture and … Continue reading Unhinged Sitake Aggressively Prepares for Boise State Game by Dropping Off Resume at Every Taco Bell in Utah

Warren Dusenberry
Campus, Life, News

Trending: Get Points for Completely Ignoring Carbon-Based Lifeforms with This Groundbreaking App

Students from all over have been flooding the App Store this morning to download a revolutionary new game which promises to reward its users for completely ignoring any surrounding carbon-based lifeforms. Critics are already praising “ScreenFocus” as one of the defining apps of our generation, and a multi-million user fan base seems to agree. The app’s premise is a simple one. Tapping the bland app … Continue reading Trending: Get Points for Completely Ignoring Carbon-Based Lifeforms with This Groundbreaking App

Warren Dusenberry