Let’s be honest, BYU kind of sucks. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fit in. Remember, overcompensating is what we’re going for. For males: Drive a Ford F-150. Make sure it has blinding LED headlights, and tailgate whenever possible Never use your turn signal Get a buzz cut Invest in NFTs Whiten your teeth Make football your entire personality Wear those weird rectangular sunglasses … Continue reading How to be Straight-Passing at BYU
Provo residents were shocked to find that a favorite local Mexican cafe- Rancherito’s- closed its doors to customers last weekend. For many, this was a cause for panic. Riots broke out in the streets. Social media cried out in woe. Everyone united in the same thought: Why do bad things happen to good people? Thanks to some expert investigative journalism conducted by The Alternate Universe, … Continue reading Provo Rancheritos Undergoing Major Seismic Strengthening to Fortify Against Events of the Last Days
As midterms enter full swing this fall semester, students have been reminded of the awful, dread-filled misery of waiting in line to take an exam. Surprisingly, BYU has actually done something to fix this problem. Starting on October 10, a $15 FastPass will enable students to cut to the front of the line for 24 hours. The university’s reaction has been mixed. Supporters of the … Continue reading Testing Center Introduces $15 Fastpass
This morning’s session of General Conference, President Nelson made a surprising announcement. “We will no longer refer to ourselves as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That is too long, and nobody’s got time for that. We will simply refer to ourselves as Mormons.” “To be honest, I am quite confused,” tweeted Bucky Bell. “Back in my day, the word M0rm0n … Continue reading Mormon Church Reverts from Rebranding
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