Category: News

News

Learning Suites? Marriott Family to Purchase Learning Suite

Following the bold steps of Elon Musk, the influential Marriott family has made a promising offer to buy and run Learning Suite. According to our inside source, the offer has been accepted and is in the final process of being signed and approved. What can we expect from this change in ownership? “We’re completely rebranding the website. Its new name will be Learning Suites and … Continue reading Learning Suites? Marriott Family to Purchase Learning Suite

Sister Michael
Featured, News, Uncategorized

Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Through our very intense journalism efforts, The Alternate Universe discovered a surprising secret last week: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints audits BYU students who do not pay their tithing. After uncovering this secret The Alternate Universe conducted a thorough series of interviews to get to the bottom of it. Lehi Turner, head Church accountant, told us, “We just want to make sure … Continue reading Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Sister Michael
News

Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child

Another Sunday, another child seized by supernatural forces beyond our comprehension. Tragedy strikes the hearts of LDS families again as yet another child was reportedly taken by a mystic void located in a church building. Nine-year-old Johnny Rees was last seen playing near his church building’s table storage area before abruptly disappearing altogether. As it is commonly known, a dark supernatural force resides in every … Continue reading Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child

Sue Sylvester
Featured, Life, News, Uncategorized

Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, the church directs: “before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing”. For years, this counsel has left righteous Latter-Day Saint youths and young adults scratching their heads- what qualifies as “passionate kissing”? This morning, the First Presidency released a statement clarifying the Lord’s stance on kissing before marriage. It marked the first official instruction regarding chastity within the … Continue reading Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

Lisa Simpson