Category: News

Featured, News, Uncategorized

Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Through our very intense journalism efforts, The Alternate Universe discovered a surprising secret last week: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints audits BYU students who do not pay their tithing. After uncovering this secret The Alternate Universe conducted a thorough series of interviews to get to the bottom of it. Lehi Turner, head Church accountant, told us, “We just want to make sure … Continue reading Church Audits Students Who Don’t Pay Tithing

Sister Michael
News

Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child

Another Sunday, another child seized by supernatural forces beyond our comprehension. Tragedy strikes the hearts of LDS families again as yet another child was reportedly taken by a mystic void located in a church building. Nine-year-old Johnny Rees was last seen playing near his church building’s table storage area before abruptly disappearing altogether. As it is commonly known, a dark supernatural force resides in every … Continue reading Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child

Sue Sylvester
Featured, Life, News, Uncategorized

Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, the church directs: “before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing”. For years, this counsel has left righteous Latter-Day Saint youths and young adults scratching their heads- what qualifies as “passionate kissing”? This morning, the First Presidency released a statement clarifying the Lord’s stance on kissing before marriage. It marked the first official instruction regarding chastity within the … Continue reading Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”

Lisa Simpson
Life, News

Batpoleon Manamite Wins Oscar for Best Picture

“It is easily the best day of my life,” says Jon Heder, who has four children and a wife. When asked about his character, Batpoleon Manamite, he responded, “He’s got bowhunting skills, nunchuck skills, and computer hacking skills. Gotham City wants a guy with skills,” directly quoting a line from the movie. We asked Deb what her favorite line was. “I don’t know, but I … Continue reading Batpoleon Manamite Wins Oscar for Best Picture

Renesmee
Campus, News

BREAKING: Election Recount Names a Mint Brownie™ New BYUSA President

On March 3rd, BYU students had the chance to vote for next year’s student association president. After the votes were tallied, Ethan Baker was announced as the 2022-23 BYUSA president, with Brandyn Young as executive vice president. Ever since this announcement, however, a large number of disgruntled students have demanded a recount. The Alternate Universe was able to interview a student protesting outside of the … Continue reading BREAKING: Election Recount Names a Mint Brownie™ New BYUSA President

Carmen Sandeigo