Category: News

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News, Sports

“Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

After buying the Utah Jazz for $1.6 billion earlier this week, Qualtrics co-founder Ryan Smith finally showed up to his first practice as owner. The billionaire tech CEO reportedly stepped on the court with an entirely new set of drills in hand. “You want this team to have any chance of a successful IPO, you sit down and listen to me!” shouted a frazzle-haired Smith … Continue reading “Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

Warren Dusenberry
News

Leak Reveals The Village to Receive Priority Access to Vaccine

Leaked documents from the Utah Coronavirus Task Force reveal that The Village will be one of several apartment complexes to receive early access to the COVID-19 vaccine when it’s made available. Years ago, these apartment complexes made various agreements with the state for their residents to receive premium benefits in the case of emergency. These benefits range from backup generators to discounts at country clubs. … Continue reading Leak Reveals The Village to Receive Priority Access to Vaccine

Cameron Frye
News

Local Political Genius Decides He Doesn’t Like Either Side

Local political genius Darren Sims came forward on Friday morning with a ground breaking announcement, declaring that he “doesn’t like either side” in the upcoming election. This move is unexpected from Sims who had previously been heard to say that he “thinks that both sides should calm down”. Much has been said about the upcoming election and for many people it has taken the shape … Continue reading Local Political Genius Decides He Doesn’t Like Either Side

Donald Cherry
News

Debate Moderator Calls on Audience Member to Offer the Opening Prayer

Debate moderator Kristen Welker paused for a moment at the start of the nation’s final presidential debate tonight to ask a member of the audience to offer the opening prayer. In an awkward turn of events the ivy-league-educated, White House correspondent had forgotten to assign anyone beforehand. “Uh, oh. Ahem. Let’s see here…” Welker mumbled into her mike when she realized her mistake, “Before we … Continue reading Debate Moderator Calls on Audience Member to Offer the Opening Prayer

Warren Dusenberry
News

Honor Code Office and large crowd of students release ad calling for civil disagreement

Inspired by the Utah governor candidates who have recently released ads “calling for civility,” the BYU Honor Code Office and BYU students came together to release ads of their own, although they had a different message in mind. Jim Year, a frequent honor code offender, made a statement explaining the purpose of their ads. “I know that I will never get along with the Honor … Continue reading Honor Code Office and large crowd of students release ad calling for civil disagreement

Gail Black