Category: News

News

BYU Students Vote Biden to Make Sure Provo Is Blue on Map, Not Red

After the votes had all been tallied, several precincts in Provo reported that, for the first time in over three thousand years, BYU students had chosen a Democrat, Joe Biden, as their preferred option for President of the United States. Some Utah Democrats were happy to see this as a sign of things to come in the state while others had a different interpretation of … Continue reading BYU Students Vote Biden to Make Sure Provo Is Blue on Map, Not Red

Donald Cherry
News

Elder Cook Posts Picture of Homemade Murder Hornet Costume

Earlier today Elder Quentin L. Cook posted a picture of himself for Halloween in a homemade murder hornet costume. They have reportedly been planning this for months and spent many hours every week acquiring the right materials and sewing them together. “When I first read about them I just knew I had found my costume for this year,” said Elder Cook. The Cooks consistently make … Continue reading Elder Cook Posts Picture of Homemade Murder Hornet Costume

Cameron Frye
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News, Sports

“Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

After buying the Utah Jazz for $1.6 billion earlier this week, Qualtrics co-founder Ryan Smith finally showed up to his first practice as owner. The billionaire tech CEO reportedly stepped on the court with an entirely new set of drills in hand. “You want this team to have any chance of a successful IPO, you sit down and listen to me!” shouted a frazzle-haired Smith … Continue reading “Give Me 20 More!” Yells Ryan Smith as Jazz Players Furiously Fill Out Surveys

Warren Dusenberry
News

Leak Reveals The Village to Receive Priority Access to Vaccine

Leaked documents from the Utah Coronavirus Task Force reveal that The Village will be one of several apartment complexes to receive early access to the COVID-19 vaccine when it’s made available. Years ago, these apartment complexes made various agreements with the state for their residents to receive premium benefits in the case of emergency. These benefits range from backup generators to discounts at country clubs. … Continue reading Leak Reveals The Village to Receive Priority Access to Vaccine

Cameron Frye
News

Local Political Genius Decides He Doesn’t Like Either Side

Local political genius Darren Sims came forward on Friday morning with a ground breaking announcement, declaring that he “doesn’t like either side” in the upcoming election. This move is unexpected from Sims who had previously been heard to say that he “thinks that both sides should calm down”. Much has been said about the upcoming election and for many people it has taken the shape … Continue reading Local Political Genius Decides He Doesn’t Like Either Side

Donald Cherry