According to a statement released by the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints, missionaries representing the Church can now give off chiller vibes. Prior to the statement, which was released on Friday, missionaries of both genders were supposed to look lame all the time. Sometimes, the boys got mistaken for the FBI, but even that was rare. “We just wanted people to know that we … Continue reading Missionaries Now Allowed To Look Cool
While many major BYU sports teams are returning to campus to resume training, the university’s water polo team is still being barred from preparing for their upcoming season. Unable to meet the requirements to be deemed an “essential sports team” by administrators, water polo team members have become severely depressed. “Our dedicated fans are absolutely crushed right now. And I’m not just talking about MY … Continue reading Water Polo Team Sad Not to Be Deemed ‘Essential Sports Team’ by BYU
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints released a statement that declared the suspension of Word of Wisdom for the remainder of 2020 early Wednesday morning. The Word of Wisdom is a health code that requires members of the Church to abstain from alcohol, coffee, tea, and drugs. “It’s been a tough year for so many reasons. We just think the Saints should take … Continue reading LDS Church Suspends Word of Wisdom Requirement For Remainder of 2020
A mass mailing campaign initiated by the office of Governor Herbert reportedly landed a special poll in each and every Utah citizen’s mailbox this morning. The poll asks respondents “What is your preferred manner of death in 2020?” and then lists many possible options including COVID-19, an earthquake, killer hornets, and Danites. A special disclaimer at the bottom explains that although the State of Utah … Continue reading Governor Herbert Polls Citizens on What They Would Prefer to Die from This Year
One of the greatest traditions of our country is lunch at capitol hill. After various sessions in the House of Representatives and Senate, all the politicians sit together and eat a fine American classic: cafeteria food. In recent years, however, the great cafeteria that is the American government has become increasingly clique based. The Republicans sit with the Republicans, the Democrats sit with the Democrats, … Continue reading Mitt Romney Can’t Find Anywhere to Sit in Capitol Building Cafeteria
