Saying that he was “fed up” with Utah Valley University students using BYU housing, amenities, and facilities, BYU’s new border czar ordered the erection of razor wire fences on the border of the two school’s territories. Grejg Nunbott, whose official title is “Protector of Cougarland Security,” has affiliated with violent extremist elements in the ROC Board. The wire, erected Monday, cuts through the Wal-Mart on … Continue reading BYU Erects Razor Wire Along UVU Border

In a shocking turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil has expanded his ability to prognosticate. In addition to his prediction about spring, Punxsy Phil says that you will be single for at least six more years. “I guess yesterday was the wrong day to break up with my boyfriend,” says sophomore Kyleigh McManussen. “I’ve been single for 29 years. What’s six more?” says grad student Jeyson … Continue reading Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Years of You Being Single

Florida native Dilbert Painter dropped out of his beginning weightlifting class this week. When asked why, he burst into tears. “Why are we singing hymns in the weight room before class?” Painter, a freshman, lamented. “I thought it was a joke in the syllabus, but we didn’t even have time to warm up after we finished all five verses of ‘If You Could Hie to … Continue reading Student Drops Class Because of Opening Hymn